It is essentially the most great time of the yr: the vacations. If you happen to’re studying this, I am not at work proper now, and it is nice. My mind is fortunately freed from ideas about video video games, online game articles, and the individuals who play and skim each. I am free. Free ultimately. Till January.
However taking a a day or two off additionally means filling this web site with the almighty drip of pre-written content material. The wheels maintain turning, irrespective of the day of the yr, and as a lowly employee bee, I’m blissful to oblige the Recreation Informer CMS’ endless want for listicles.
So, what ought to we rank this time? Actually, it may very well be something. We do not put an excessive amount of thought into these – they’re fairly low-effort, moderate-to-high acquire items. You simply give you a few good buzzwords – one thing at the least a number of thousand individuals will click on on – throw a number of hundred phrases at it, and you bought your self an inventory. Usually, you wish to theme it round one thing well timed to money in on good search engine optimization or Twitter traits; one thing lots of people are both searching for or speaking about.
I received it! Listed below are our prime 5 online game characters that might get coal of their stockings this vacation season.
5) Nathan Drake – The Uncharted Collection
Everybody loves Nathan Drake; he is one of the iconic heroes in Sony’s ever-growing roster of triple-A video games which are principally boring to play. He is good-looking, humorous, charismatic, and in case you’ve by no means seen an Indiana Jones film, he looks as if a very distinctive and authentic character.
However beneath Drake’s every-man veneer lies a deep, darkish secret.
He’s actually a mass assassin. Interval. Level clean. The entire thing about Uncharted video games is Nathan Drake and his merry band of idiots go to a unique nation, kill a number of zip codes value of individuals, then steal native historical artifacts. In a medium stuffed to the brim with reprehensible habits, Drake actually is a particular case right here.
A straightforward argument in Drake’s favor could be that he by no means kills good or harmless individuals – or at the least not deliberately. I assume in case you’re doing psychological gymnastics at an Olympic stage, killing hundreds of individuals over the course of 1 brief decade is okay, as long as they’re “unhealthy.”
What that does not excuse is the plundering of a nation’s historic artifacts. That is completely appalling, and Drake must be tried by the United Nations for his crimes in opposition to human historical past. Our data of historical civilizations’ artwork and expertise has been set again untold many years by this man attempting to make a fast buck. Till Naughty Canine releases a DLC the place Drake returns these artifacts to their rightful international locations, then I refuse to take that studio severely as a online game storyteller. I am sorry, I do know that is harsh, however because the sequence stands now, I can’t overlook this irresponsible narrative.
Nathan Drake is a horrible individual. You possibly can quote me on that. Put coal in that man’s stocking.
Submit-script: Did you play Uncharted 4? Drake’s additionally a horrible husband, good God.
4) Trevor Phillips – Grand Theft Auto V
He is additionally a mass assassin.
3) 97.39845-percent of all characters in fashionable triple-A video games
They’re all mass murderers! I do not wish to get political right here, however I do not assume mass murderers are on Santa’s “Good Record.” Sorry, however that is simply how I used to be raised.
Now look, I’m not espousing the concept video video games trigger real-world violence – that is a dangerous thought regurgitated advert nauseam by right-wing pundits that each ignores precise analysis and is reductive to video video games as an artwork kind. Nor am I saying video video games are too violent. I really like violence. You possibly can quote me on that.
What I am saying is, once we’re contemplating this listing – and consider me, quite a lot of consideration has gone into it since I began writing it seven minutes in the past – if we’re coming down on characters like Nathan Drake and Trevor Phillips for his or her propensity for mass homicide, then we should maintain all different, comparable online game characters accountable as nicely. If we wish video video games to be taken severely as a medium, then we have to be prepared to criticize the artwork kind we love, maintain it to larger requirements, and count on higher from it.
That is why I’m right here to say: 97.39845-percent of all characters in fashionable triple-A video games are getting coal of their stockings this yr in the course of the holidays. Too many unhealthy boys on the market on the cabinets of your native GameStop being too willy-nilly with weapons, swords, bombs, and the such. Sadly for all of them, Santa is skipping their homes this yr.
(Full disclosure: Recreation Informer is owned by the GameStop company, nonetheless, our mother or father firm had no perception into the rankings or evaluations current on this article)
2) Cloud Strife – Last Fantasy VII
As my colleague Jason Guisao so elegantly places it:
1) Louse The Mouse – Daze Earlier than Christmas
If you happen to’ve made it this far into this listing, then this one ought to come as no shock. After all, the online game character Santa is skipping essentially the most this yr is Louse the Mouse from Funcom’s landmark 1994 sport Daze Earlier than Christmas.
I do know I am preaching to the choir right here – everyone seems to be all the time saying this – however Louse is such slightly rat. Pun absolutely meant. This little son of a gun had the audacity to tear by the world’s Christmas presents, casting a curse on all of the presents. I swear if I might get my very own arms on Louse the Mouse, for what I might do, you greatest consider there’d be coal in my stocking this yr, too. It makes my blood boil simply enthusiastic about it.
Louse the Mouse is a menace to society and a menace to the vacations. And due to this fact, he earns the highest spot on our listing of online game characters most probably to get coal of their stockings.
Was our listing right? It was! No want to depart a remark this time; we received it proper. Have an excellent vacation!